America’s Next Top Surgeon

That’s right you heard me, and yes it is what you think it is.  No, it is not being made by anyone (as far as I know) but I clearly get royalties from now on (I am looking at you Fox).  So here is how I see it going down.

The show is based around 15 wannabe surgeons.  You have some deli workers, some office types, and maybe even throw in a striper (she is just doing that to pay for college).  There will of course also be “the bitch,” “the nice guy,” etc.  The standard fare for reality TV shows.  Now none of these people will know anything about surgery (except for maybe the contestant who is a nurse at a dentists office), but they will compete nonetheless! I envision NPH (Neil Patrick Harris for all you squares out there) being the host of the show, since he played a doctor on TV!  All the contest will be forced to live with each other in the break room of a major hospital, just like real residents.  That means they must battle with each other to get the “good couch” for their two hour nap.  In addition, all their meals will have to be purchased through vending machines located throughout the hospital.  In fact, one of the early challenges will be to get one item from every vending machine in the hospital to figure out which machines are the good ones.  After that, the real challenges begin.

It will start with simple ones, like you have 90 seconds to put in as many IV’s as possible on as many people as possible.  The winner will be based on quality and quantity, the one to do the least will be eliminated and forced to give up their stethoscope to NPH.  The rest of the contestants will be put on colostomy bag detail. It should of course be mentioned that if any contestants kills a patient at any time, they are immediately put before the review board, which consists of  the dudes from Nip Tuck , Dr. House, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and David Hasselhoff (‘cuse no one messes with the Hof). The board can choose to keep them, eliminate them, or force them to do an additional challenge to keep their spot.

As the show progresses, the challenges get harder.  There will have to give stitches, reset bones, help with stab wounds etc.  Once there are only four contestants left, they will start with their first surgeries. The first round will be pretty easy, taking out tonsils or something like that, but will get harder with every round. Lets say it goes tonsils, reattaching body parts, throw in a lobotomy or two and then the grand finale.  When there are only two contestants left, they will have to both do an entirely experimental brain-lung-liver transplant.  The winner will be based on which patient lives the longest!

As with all reality shows, an endless supply of alcohol will be stocked in the break room to make things interesting, and the contestants will be encouraged to have as much casual sex, screaming arguments, and blackouts as humanly possible.

This show is pure gold.

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